The Perversion of Inanimate Objects

I’m just human after all, and a peace-loving human at that; but sometimes I feel like I’m at war with much of the world around me. I’m talking about inanimate objects and how they like to fight with me. They are wicked, I tell you; corrupt and perverse in their subversion of my ability to use them as they are designed to be use.

My spouse thinks it’s pretty funny that I talk to my sewing machine, my computer and the toaster, but they are all perverted at times. I bet I’m not the only one in this situation. Sometimes it MUST say a swear word for my sewing machine to get back on track.

If you are a seamstress or tailor, you have had occasion to fight with the various tools of the trade. Sometimes my sewing machine thread will knot up each time I begin my seam. Then, I take out the bobbin, rethread the machine — struggling to thread that needle and try it out on a sample piece of cloth. The try-out works perfectly. Then, I begin my seam again and the thread knots up.  It’s a circular dance: rethreading, remove/replace the bobbin, swear a little.

The sewing machine is not the only tool that sometimes gives me trouble. I try to use the seam ripper diligently and carefully. It will often create a whole in the fabric instead of pulling out the thread I want released. What amazes me is how very strong thread can be if you are trying to get it OUT of the fabric and how flimsy it is when you are trying to make a sturdy seam.

I am a quilter and like to use a rotary cutter, especially when cutting more than one layer of fabric.  I use a straight edge acrylic ruler and most times it works well for me. Last month, I was fighting with the cutter because it was missing a tiny portion of the fabric, somewhere in the middle of the cut. I needed to retrace the cut again and again. Until, finally, I pressed really hard and ran the cutter over the fabric, the edge of the ruler and over my pointer finger, first knuckle to nail bed. Well, it didn’t hurt so much (at first), but the blood! Sheesh.

Have you ever tried to put on your jeans in the morning, when the legs get all tangled? I can slip the first leg into the pants, then the left leg – it’s always the left leg tends to warp and twist so that I have to struggle to get my left leg in the pant leg. What’s up with that? I know I could sit down on the bed and pull on my pants in a safe and sensible way, but where is the adventure in that?

There are other articles of clothing that I struggle with. My bra is sensible some mornings and other times just tangles in a mess around my waist before I can get it on. The straps feel really secure when I put the bra on, but later in the day they fall down. Or just as I’m walking into church or a store, the strap begins to slide, sits precariously on the top of my arm, then slowly slides down farther and farther until I must reach under my shirt and pull the offending strap back up.

I have a couple sweaters that play hide and seek with the sleeves, or have so much static, that my hair raises up on end and does not go back down for days. I have a sweater that I swear I’m going to give away every time I try to button the buttons. They are just a tiny bit too big for the buttonholes and I struggle with each and every one.

My granddaughter does a dance almost every morning with her coat sleeves. She’ll get the one arm in the first sleeve, then go ‘round and ‘round like a dog chasing its tail to get her arm in the other sleeve. Yes, it’s comical, but I can see how frustrating it is for her as well. Then, the zipper refuses to go up as the coat is a bit longer than she can reach just bending over, and she struggles. This often makes her take much more time than I’d like for her to get ready for the school bus.

After using the toilet, if I’m in a hurry to redress, quite often the snap of my jeans will fold in, so that it catches on my underwear leg and I must pull the pants down a bit, unhook the snap from my underwear before I finish redressing. I have two pair of pants that zip up just fine and for the most part, are well-behaved. But put me in front of an audience and the zipper slides down to reveal my oh-so-white undies.  I remind the jeans to behave, but they do not always agree. I also have the jeans that you roll up to make a cute cuff. And sometimes that actually works. I’ll be out, after having done several errands and notice one cuff is doing pretty well and the other cuff is either twice the size of the first one or nonexistent.  It’s perversion, I tell you.

Electric outlets have their issues as well. I try to plug the nativity set lights into the  socket and it is like a closed door. I know the socket is there. I’ve had this same plug in that socket lots of times, but this time it won’t go in. I need to find a flashlight, shine it on the offending socket and reposition the plug just so. I sneak up on the socket and push with all my might – finally success. But, it is after I am on my knees once again.

I have another socket that sometimes won’t hold the plugs. I put the charger to my computer into the socket and it looks pretty good. As soon as I walk away, the  socket releases the charger.  You would think it would be up front about it, but no.  The socket releases just enough so that there is no charge going in. If the charger fell all the way out of the socket, I would at least know. Hours later, when I come back expecting a fully charged ipad, phone, computer, etc. the device is almost dead. Sheesh.

Then there are the garage doors — two doors, so twice the fun. When I’m hauling in groceries, I think I’m strong enough to load up my arms with bags, and the service door will be open, so I think I can walk right through. But, the service door s l o w l y closes as I approach it, making sure that I just miss the opening and have to put bags down to reopen and go through the door. This happens with or without a breeze.

And the large, double car door opens well all summer long, but come winter, the colder the temperature, the more temperamental the door becomes.

Seriously, we play the ‘up-down-up-again’ game. I go to pull out of (or into) the garage and the door goes up half way. Then I push the button, again. The door goes all the way down. Push the button. Half way up. Push the button, all the way down.   — you get the picture. Until I need to call the door a bad name or two before it will cooperate. By the time I get into (or out of) the car stall in the garage, I’m really steamed up.

And don’t even get me started on computers and the diabolical shenanigans they pull, with their periodic upgrades, numerous needs for passwords, and exacting hyperlinks.

Hey, wait a minute.  There’s a name for this: Resistentialism.

Resistentialism is an amusing theory to describe “seemingly spiteful behavior manifested by inanimate objects“,where objects that cause problems (like lost keys, printers, or a runaway bouncy ball) are said to exhibit a high degree of malice toward humans. (from Wikipedia)

Paul Jennings, An English author and humorist, coined the term in 1948 in an article he wrote in The Specator, and that was reprinted in the New York Times.

Actually, the concept of the ‘universe’ being against us, is not a new idea. We have Murphy’s law (“Anything that can go wrong will go wrong); Finagle’s law of dynamic negatives (also known as Melody’s law, Sod’s Law or Finagle’s corollary to Murphy’s law) is usually rendered as “Anything that can go wrong, will—at the worst possible moment.”  (Wikipedia)

Finagle’s law can also be read as “Inanimate objects are out to get us.” This could be why we are inordinately afraid of a robot/computer driven society. We know they are out to get us at the onset.

It does my heart good to know that I am not alone in my struggle with inanimate objects and that there is some defining law that acknowledges my struggles.

The slogan of Resistentialism is “Les choses sont contre nous” (“Things are against us”).  (Wikipedia)

Resources:

• Resistentialism at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resistentialism