The View from Seventy

I love big bellies and I cannot lie

by Annette Gagliardi

Why doesn’t someone write a song

about how they love big bellies?
Rappers sing, “I like big butts and I cannot lie”[1] but never

talk about a belly that we would all love to handle.

My stomach leads me around like a dog on a leash,

Making me pant and release the extra space in my blouse;

stretching and pressing against my clothing,

popping buttons and seams—sheesh.

When I lose weight, it’s never from my stomach.

And if by chance I do lose a pound or two, my belly  

hangs like a half-filled sack of flour, sitting Shiva for its

past mass—when it was at the pinnacle of magnificence.

So, I sit here with this large share of extra weight

and wonder how you can say you love me, with such

a straight face—And isn’t that what we all want? Just

to be loved in spite of our foibles:

our massive breasts, our ample backsides, the flab hanging off

upper arms, the bald spot on the top of our heads, the

chin whiskers, wrinkles and all the parts we fuss about

that have made our bodies less commercially desirable?

We cry, despair or despise these parts that serve us

well, but look like hell: It may not be wise, but we all do it.

I’m not the only one fussing with my clothing

and feeling uncomfortable in a swim suit.

Thanks for listening to my lament.

Yep, this body is just on rent.

It’s the one I got, and I hate it a lot;

It does provide me a chance for humility.

I have been struggling with my weight my whole adult life. As a teenager, Twiggy was one of my idols. She was very thin, and like so many young women, I wanted to be just like her. I graduated from high school with 105 as my weight. When I got married, I had ballooned up to 108. I watched what I ate, counted calories, exercised to keep in shape.

“Our culture’s current beauty standard is really only about 60 or 70 years old.” ~Cindy Jose

In my twenties and thirties, I gained weight: it seemed like a pound or two each year. Then I had kids. Pregnancy does things to a woman’s body and it was the same for me, giving me stretch marks, a saggy stomach, hemorrhoids and a few more pounds. Having childcare duties eliminated (for me) the time previously used to exercise, even though I joined other women who squeezed in exercise early or late in the day. I used many aerobic exercise videos–Jazzercise & Pilates. Still, the weight kept coming.

As the kids grew, my body got a bit bigger each year. It seemed like breathing could put weight on, and I felt it was so very unfair. My husband could exist on coffee and donuts without gaining weight, while I gained just by having those donuts in the house. Then menopause really got me going and I gained ten–twenty pounds without even trying.  I considered myself quite Rubenesque and sometimes wished I lived in the time of Rubens, who was quite fond of painting full-figured women.

As our muscle mass declines, our metabolism slows. In addition, our hormones change and we tend to move more slowly. All these things contribute to weight gain. So, why are we stuck on staying the same weight as when we were younger? And why do Doctors, basically send us on the guilt-trip train as we gain weight? 

A couple years ago, my husband and I were both diagnosed as pre-diabetic and put on a medication designed to stabilize our blood-sugars. My husband lost 12 pounds, which is the average weight loss for those who go on that drug. I gained five pounds. I was desperate, I joined Weight Watchers—and gained another five pounds. My doctor advised me to join a gym and get in more exercise at least three times a week. I was already doing Pilates once a week and taking daily walks, but additional exercise seemed logical. I thought I might lose a couple pounds, but I gained another five. Those folks who told me that muscle weighs more than fat, so the gain is good, narrowly missed being beaten to a pulp (which might have helped my lose a little). It is true that lean muscle uses more calories than fat, but it weighs more, but that means most of us need fewer calories every year we age.

I just don’t want to hear that more muscle is the reason I have gained. I don’t want to hear that I’m retaining water or that I’ll lose those pounds again real soon.  It is really funny (and sad) that my mood changes depending on if the scale goes up or down. I’m not alone. Hundreds of others are in the same boat. Still, there are days, weeks that I don’t fret over how much I weight.

Beauty standards are so all-pervasive—in movies, TV, magazines, and advertising—that we take them as given. And lots of us go through the world assuming that “beautiful” means what our culture says it does: smooth, symmetrical, clean, thin, delicate and young.[1]

Human history has shown us that the idea of what is beautiful has changed over time. The ancient Greek civilization was one of the first to try to quantify beauty. The “Golden Ratio” is the mathematical concept that a beautiful face is composed of perfectly symmetrical thirds. But the Greeks also loved the unibrow.—They would have loved Frida Kahlo! Japan also loved the unusual eyebrows. In medieval Japan, women would shave off their real eyebrows and draw fake ones in their place, much higher on the forehead—just slightly below the hairline!

In the sixteen hundreds in England, pale skin was prized as a symbol of wealth and class and meant you were a woman of leisure. Color in your cheeks meant you worked outside. Beauty standards have often been associated with wealth and class.

Yet, we are supposed to be enlightened, these days. Lamenting about my weight may seem old-fashioned. I should be ‘getting past that’. And I wish it were so. Some of us are slow to change, I guess.

“We have become more accepting because people have demanded it, protested for it, and used the bully pulpit of social media to shame beauty’s gatekeepers into opening the doors wider.”

Yet, there are thousands of women like myself who are uncomfortable with their body. I’m glad my children are free from the idea that their body is less than desirable. Yet, I think body image is still an issue for many women and men, girls and boys. We are our own worst critic. We want to look like the people in the magazines and on television. We want to look like our movie stars and singers.

I think it’s comforting to know that the concept of beauty is a social construct and that it changes over time. During my lifetime, the idea of what is beautiful has changed dramatically. It is more inclusive and diverse today.

Old habits die hard, but recently I have reassessed my weight problem. I have reviewed my health and my life to find a new goal. I want a new normal. I want to know that it’s okay to weigh more than the 108 that I weighed when I got married. I’ll never see that number again, anyway. It’s okay to have a thicker middle, because at seventy, I move more slowly. I’m good with that. After all, I’ve got a lot of years under my belt. I still plan to do yoga, take walks and go to the gym to increase my muscle mass. But I’m losing now. I’m losing the defeatist attitude that my body is too fat.  I’m not a loser for not losing.

“There are hundreds (thousands!) of different ways for a woman to be beautiful, and what society calls “the rules” at any given moment are pretty arbitrary.

I feel a lot happier when I remind myself that there’s actually no single look that’s “beautiful” and that beauty can come in a thousand different forms. And actually, that happiness radiates from the inside—and creates true beauty.”[1]

What’s that saying about minding your age? “Age is a state of mind. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”[1]  I think I’ll change that to how you feel about your weight is a state of mind.  Finally, I’m beginning to not mind.

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[1] “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” by Mark Twain

from: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/mark_twain_103892

Resources:

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“5 Reasons It’s Harder to Lose Weight With Age” By Moira Lawler. Medically Reviewed by Kelly Kennedy, RD Last Updated: June 27, 2019

“The idea of beauty is always shifting. Today, it’s more inclusive than ever.”  Essay by Robin Givhan and Hannah Reyes Moale,  January  7, 2020.National Geographic at: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/article/beauty-today-celebrates-all-social-media-plays-a-role-feature

“How Beauty has Changed Throughout History” By Cindy Joseph, BOOM! at: https://www.boombycindyjoseph.com/blogs/boom/how-our-idea-of-beauty-has-changed-throughout-history

[1] Cindy Joseph article

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[1] BOOM! by Cindy Joseph

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[1] “Baby Got Back” is a 1992 hip hop song written and recorded by American rapper, Sir Mix-a-Lot, which appeared on his album Mack Daddy.